Time Travel to Save City Quadrillion Dollars
New York, NY – Legislation to study time travel and building a time machine was submitted for drafting in the New York City Council today by Council Member Ben Kallos, who was joined at a rally today by President of the Internet Ben Kallos via hologram, to announce its passage on April 1, 2021.
“Uncertainty of outcomes is one the biggest challenges to governing, but through time travel we could see the immediate results of our public policy and make changes where necessary,” said Council Member Ben Kallos, Chair of the Committee of Governmental Operations with oversight over the Department of Citywide Administrative Services whose fleet could one day include a time machine. “Investment of tax dollars into time travel, will provide an infinite return on investment as we are able to avoid calamity by altering our time line. So long as we do not create a portal to the alternate timelines we destroy, we should all be fine.”
“Time travel has improved governance and quality of life,” said President of the Internet Ben Kallos who appeared from the future via hologram. “Thank you to Council Member Ben Kallos for submitting this time travel study legislation for drafting today, paving the way for the future to become the present.”
The City of New York could save an estimated quadrillion dollars (1015) in contract overruns, unpaid fines, and unpaid tax liens.
A crowd of luminaries from past, present and future joined them for their announcement on the steps of New York City Hall, chanting: “What do we want? Time Travel. When do we want it? That’s irrelevant.”
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?” said Marty McFly who arrived in a DeLorean. “The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some ‘style’?” replied Dr. Emmett Brown.
“[Y]ou are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease,” said Bill S. Preston Esquire who arrived with Ted Logan in a phone booth.
“Come with me if you want to live,” said the Terminator, an android with the appearance of former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger who revealed a cybernetic eye and arm at the event. The Terminator denied repeated questions from reporters whether he had in-fact governed California before concluding, “I’ll be back!”
“In 900 years of time and space, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important,” said the Eleventh Doctor Who that arrived in a British Police Box which vanished soon after. “The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.”
“I think that at that time none of us quite believed in the Time Machine. The fact is, the Time Traveller was one of those men who are too clever to be believed: you never felt that you saw all round him; you always suspected some subtle reserve, some ingenuity in ambush, behind his lucid frankness,” said H.G. Wells joined by the Time Traveler an Eloi and a Morlock.
“You used time-travel improperly... we must rewrite history in order to save the universe!,” said a beagle named Mr. Peabody upon stepping out of his “Waybac” machine with his adopted human son Sherman.
“You see, to be quite … the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see,” said Randall of the Time Bandits.
“One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and … there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere,” said Adam Yates who looked like John Cusack and arrived with three companions who looked like Clark Duke, Craig Robinson, and Rob Corddry, in a hot tub which stopped working and has been installed in the City Hall rotunda where Mayor Bill de Blasio and Council Members are hard at work seeking to get the Hot Tub Time Machine working again.